Jokes about Bears

[piddy3825]

 

One day, a black bear walks into a bar...
The bear begins to get some strange looks, but he was use to this being a black bear and all.
Everyone in the bar was acting a little strange around him, but then he sat at the bar and the bartender began to serve him.

Bartender: Ummm...So what can I get you?
Bear: Let me get a shot of....................... whiskey.
Bartender: Sure, but what's up with the big pause?

Bear: I get them from my dad.

 

Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them
One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes.

His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!”

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others
“I'm the greatest bear hunter there ever was," immediately 2 of the 3 friends disagree and say in unison,
“No way I am!!”  
They continue arguing until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says,
“I have never been bear hunting, maybe we should all go to see whose best at it?”

The friends agree, go home for the night and the next day they all get in a truck and drive deep into the forest.
While they are driving one friend turns to the bear hunting novice and says,
"When hunting a bear be very quiet. If it sees you, you have two options."  he said,
"You either draw yourself up and get big and tall to scare it or you run.  If you run, it will chase you until you get to safety or 
until it catches you, whichever comes first.”  his friend concluded.

The man noted this and they got to the cabin they  had rented for the hunting trip, they set up and search around for hours scouting for bears, but they find none.
Disappointed they head back to camp and fell asleep.  When the men awoke they noticed that the bear hunting novice was gone so they get up to look for him outside.  They start to call his name but no answer, they grab their guns and walk a little till they hear the sound of running feet.

The novice is running at full speed towards the cabin with a giant black bear behind him, the other 3 friends pull him into the cabin and shoot the bear dead,
the friends all curious and angry with the novice hunter asked,
“What the hell were you doing?”
And finally after the novice catches his breath he says,

“Hunting!  Now stay here, I'm gonna have a drink of water, and I'll go get us another one!”

Got an amusing bear joke or story?  Would love to hear you tell the tale!  

[Jimmy]

An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada.

As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer's brother-in-law whole!

The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says "Quick! Shoot him, but be careful, my brother-in-law's inside him!"

The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off.

The American falls to his knees, looking at the Canadian and asking "Why did you shoot the wrong bear?"

The ranger scoffs and says "Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?"

Edited February 10, 2022 by Jimmy

[DiscoJonny]

So a hunter gets a new gun one day and decides to go hunting with it. He goes out into the woods and stumbles upon a nice-sized black bear, so he takes his gun and shoots.  As the air clears from smoke, the man looks around and notices the bear is gone.  A moment later, he feels a tap on this shoulder so he turns around
and sees this huge black bear and the bear says,  "You tried to kill me!  So the way I see it you got two options, either you submit to having rough sex or I maul you to death."  Now, the hunter doesn't want to die so he lets the bear have his way, and afterwards he waddles home and doesn't tell anyone.

A year goes by and the hunter is still stewing about this last outing.  Getting angrier and angrier, the hunter grabs his rifle and hunter goes back into the woods and stumbles upon the big black bear. He aims his gun and shoots!   As the air clears from the gun smoke, the man looks around and notices the bear is gone.
Again, he feels a tapping on his shoulder.  The man turns around and sees the bear who says,  "Again you tried to kill me!  So the way I see it you got two options, either you submit to having rough sex or I maul you to death."   Again, the man doesn't want to die so he lets the bear have his way with him and in shame waddles home not telling anyone.

Next year comes around and the man still angry about his last two experiences hunting, goes out and buys the biggest gun he could afford.
Confident now that he's armed to the teeth, the man goes out to kill the bear.   He sees the bear, takes aim and fires!  

As the  gun smoke clears from the air, the man looks around and notices the bear is gone.
A moment later, he feels a tap on this shoulder.  The man turns around and the bear says,

"Let's be honest, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[RandomPlayer]

A bear and a rabbit are crapping in the woods

The bear looks over inspecting the little pellets dropped by the bunny
and asks the rabbit, “does crap stick to your fur?”

The rabbit replies, “no”

The bear grabs the rabbit wipes his butt with the rabbit's long soft ears and leaves...  💩

[Catlover]

I can't bear these puns!

A man was walking through the forest when he comes across a massive black bear. Terrified, he froze, put his hands together and prayed for Jesus to save him. When he opened his eyes, to his confusion, the bear was on its hind legs, praying too. 

"Why are you praying?" The man asked.

"I always give thanks before I eat."

To be continued

Edited February 13, 2022 by Catlover

[piddy3825]

2 hours ago, Catlover said:

I can't bear these puns!

To be continued

Good one!  Keep em' coming!  

 

A man and his pet bear walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my bear." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the bear falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."

To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a bear."

 

[Catlover]

Got this one from reddit. It includes a bear so hope it counts

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.

He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a massive bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear!" 

The doctor replied, "That's what I was getting at..." 

Edited February 14, 2022 by Catlover

[DiscoJonny]

A very devout cartographer lost his favorite Bible while he was mapping  the terrain way out in the back country.
Three weeks later, a huge bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cartographer  couldn't believe his eyes.
He gently took the precious book out of the bear's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the bear. "Your name is written inside the cover."