Finding Her - A Survivor's Journal

[Alruhn]

[The notebook is lying next to the frozen body of a young woman. She is curled up in a fetal position and one hand is still on the book. If it weren’t for the ice clinging to her face and hair, she could be sleeping. 

You pick it up, rifle through her pack, take the matches and a can of peaches and turn away. Later, back in your cabin, with a fire crackling in the grate and the storm howling outside, you open the book. The handwriting is not neat, but it's readable. Mostly the hand is steady, but from time to time, it slips into a hasty scrawl.]

 

Day 5 

Merciless. That’s what my world has become. The crash. The weather. The violent shift in everything. Utterly merciless. 

The wolves. 

I can hear them howling in the night, when I lie in a stranger’s bed, shivering in the empty house. In this very moment, a blizzard like nothing I have ever seen before is howling around the building. It’s curious. I’ve never actually felt like this before. I don’t think I will make it out of here alive and I’m terrified. But I have to. I promised Her.

As soon as you step out, you can feel the wind ripping the warmth from your face, your chest, your soul. It feels like it goes right through you, blowing out the fire of your life.  

On the third day, I got caught in one of these superstorms. The weather was fine when I started, but by the time I got to this lucky farm house, I was so far gone that I was beginning to feel warm and comfortable. That is how you die. First it is bitter cold, but then you get numb and tied and just a little while later, it starts feeling warmer and the snow starts looking really soft and comfortable... It was so lucky that I had read about this, because otherwise – your mind is fucked by that time – you just lie down, trusting yourself to the warm sensation, and drift off in to the dark. I was so close when I got here.

I feel trapped in here. This blizzard isn’t letting up and I’m scared, restless and starving. I never realized the desperation that comes with hunger. It’s amazing how it erodes your rational thoughts.

 

Day 10 

It’s been more than a week now and I’m getting tired. I woke up to a blizzard this morning and now I’m spending another day sitting inside, waiting for better weather. Fuck, I hate this. I wonder how She is. Is this catastrophe global? How are the cities doing? Anarchy? Or just empty? It scares me to think that I might make it out of here, just to find there is no way out. Just more cold. More death.  

It scares me to think I might not see Her again. 

It is not good that I have so much time to think right now. My thoughts are circling like crows around a corpse.  I wonder what the aurora did to me. It changed the wolves, the moose, the bears. Did it change me too? I can’t think straight and the world is growing dark. But is that just my situation? Survival can sap the will to live out of the strongest. 

 

Day 12 

Been feeling off today. Well, more than usual. It’s probably the inactivity. I keep getting grounded by these fucking blizzards, so this morning when I had a short weather window, I made a run for it. I found some houses by a bridge, almost like a tiny town. Bridge town even had a shop.  Of course, now I’m stuck in another blizzard, but at least I’m somewhere else.  Even here I was feeling really on edge though, so I just made a fire out in the storm. Spending a super storm outside can’t be such a bad idea, right? 

Ha. It feels horrible.  

The wind feels like it’s ripping me apart and the cold is trying to smother me. But I can’t go back inside. I’m way too... I don’t even know what. I felt like the walls were closing in on me in there.  Maybe it’s the aurora – turning me against my only hope. 

I used to think the world ending would be a good thing and maybe I was right. Mother nature doesn’t seem to want us anymore and I don’t blame her – what did we ever do for her? A desperate few, trying to do less damage than the rest. That was honestly all humanity could summon? No wonder she wants us gone. We’re pathetic. Pathetic and full of hate... But right now, all I want is Her. She haunts my dreams. She whispers to me in the wind. I see Her face every time I close my eyes. 

I need to find Her. Hold Her one more time. Say all the things we couldn’t say on that warm September evening. Say them, because I’m not leaving again. And maybe we can fight the entropy a little longer.

 

Day 13 

Found out that I’m on Great Bear Island. Nowhere near my destination. Don’t know how to get to the city from here.  

 

Day 14 

For some reason I woke up this morning feeling empty. I did a little gear maintenance, but I just don’t have any motivation. Not to face the cold, not to face the wolves, not even to leave this little hut for some more food. I just want to crawl into a corner and die... Maybe it’ll be better when it’s lighter out. 

The emptiness from this morning cast a shadow over the whole day. Maybe if I sleep better – I found lots of food this time – I will feel better in the morning. If I want to make it out of here alive, I need more optimism. Hope feeds the will to live and that is the key to survival. But it’s hard. I think it’s been two weeks already and I’m barely clinging to life. I’m hundreds of miles and a stormy sea away from Her and I could be the last one alive, for all I know. 

If this whole thing wasn’t global, then why haven’t humanitarian forces arrived yet? Disaster Relief? The military? Anyone? Even without being able to use electricity here, they wouldn’t have taken this long, would they?

I need to get off this godforsaken island. 

 

Day 15 

Another blizzard. I don’t even know how many that makes in the last two weeks. During my whole winter in the Yukon I didn’t experience this many. Something is definitely wrong with the weather.  

 

Day 21 

Ran out of matches and going to run out of water soon. Decided out of necessity, to explore north of the little fishing village. I got attacked by a wolf and I'm badly injured. I have nothing to eat, very little water and no way of cooking anything up.

I’m scared Hanna. I think I might not make it. That wolf is waiting for me right outside the door; I can hear him.

But if I stay, I won’t survive the night.

I don’t want to die here.  

 

Day 24  

I can’t believe it. I actually made it back from death’s door. I barely remember staggering into that trailer on the other side of the tunnel two days ago, but by some miracle, I made it. I still feel utterly drained, but I’m out of the death zone, I think.  

Yesterday I discovered this sweet cabin by the lake. It used to be some kind of tourist-y thing once, but I’m going to use it as my base for now. The best part about this, is that the lake has a bunch of little fishing huts on it. I’m having fish for dinner tonight!   

 

Day 29 

I don’t know where to go from here. My only hope to get back to Her, is to get off this island, but how? The planes don’t fly and I can’t row to the mainland from here all alone. Not in the weather we’ve been having.

A few days ago, I found a crude map, with names of the different areas of the island on it. Just north of here is a place called Mountain Town. Maybe I can find help there. I’m scared though. What if everyone is dead, and I really am the last one alive?

I need to explore as much of this island as I can; maybe there is still a way off it, or at least somebody who can help me.  

 

Day 30 

Suddenly I’m at a point where I don’t desperately need anything. I have food, water, fire and even a cozy place to stay. The bow I'm making is coming along well. There is no reason to go out and face the wrath of nature, but in my heart I feel sick. I miss Her, I miss feeling safe, I miss being warm and – I never thought it would happen – I miss civilization.  

I’m beginning to wonder if the loneliness is what kills me in the end. It seems to be worse in the dark. Every night I hurt with longing. I just want someone to hold me... someone to tell me it’ll be ok. 

 

Day 34 

How can there be so many blizzards? It seems that every time there is a storm, I start feeling sick and trapped. I just need to get out; the walls are closing in. I need to move. Hope is keeping me from going insane, but hope is like a fire – it needs to be fed. I’ve spent at least a week in the camp office on the lake, and the waiting is really wearing me down. Moving during a blizzard is probably fatal, but I need to do something. 

The wind has died down. It’s still bitter cold, but I can’t wait any longer. 

 

Day 35 

Oh my fucking God! I can't stop shaking! I didn’t think I’d survive that! I was on my way to the mountain town on the map and there was a climb to reach it. When I got there though, I was so exhausted I was sure I’d pass out and fall, so I used one of those expired epi-pens I found. It was insane! I managed to climb the cliff like it was a flight of stairs and ran all the way to this gas station before collapsing.

I’m on the edge of the mountain town now. Milton, I think I saw on a sign. I lay all my hope on what tomorrow might bring. For now, good night. 

 

Day 38  

I am forcing myself to write this today. Panic keeps crashing over me like icy waves and I can’t stop shaking. I’m terrified and at a complete loss as to what next. I feel like I’m in a waking nightmare.

Three days. Three days I spent in Milton and I checked every possible building of any sign of life.  

Nothing.  

There were bodies and signs of hasty departure, but not a single person is still alive. And there were wolves. I have not seen so many wolves in one area in the entire time I’ve been here. Hell, I’ve never seen so many wolves band together in my life. It's not like there is anyone here to drive them out. Despite the signs of recent life, I think this town has been abandoned for quite a while. Most buildings were boarded up and showed signs of decay could not have happened in the 30-odd days since the lights went out. 

I’m beginning to believe that I really will never see you again, Hanna. I was fighting before, but now? What do I even have left to turn to? What hope to hold on to? I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone.    

 

Day 39 

I ran out of Milton today. I couldn’t stand the emptiness. At least in the wilderness, that’s how it’s supposed to be. In Milton it feels like death surrounds you. The ghost of the past, haunting your every step.  

But I think I will die today. 

I got lost and a blizzard hit. Exhausted, I lit a fire in a niche in the rock and curled up in my bedroll. When I woke up the fire was out and I was hypothermic. I panicked and just ran towards where I thought the town would be... Instead I came across this cave.  I built a fire, but it won't save me. I barely have any firewood left and I think I will not make it back to Milton. 

 

I don’t even know if I want to.

 

 

 

[Alruhn]

Some art I did for this little story

 

I posted all of this a while back on Twitter, but since that was the journals I wrote in game, it wasn't really great. So I reworked it a bit. I love imagining the thoughts of my characters, as they struggle to survive and eventually fade into the Long Dark.

In this game I was playing on Interloper and after writing the last journal, I did try to run to Milton. It was too late though and just as I saw the first buildings through the storm, the hypothermia got me.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Alruhn

[Catlover]

That was a really good story. I do feel bad for that person though, haha. Wonder how she got there in the first place

[Alruhn]

On 6/20/2020 at 2:50 PM, Catlover said:

That was a really good story. I do feel bad for that person though, haha. Wonder how she got there in the first place

Thank you! ^^ Maybe she was on a plane that crashed?

[JaySovereign]

Great work! I don't know why it took me so long to find this!

Edited August 26, 2020 by JaySovereign

[Alruhn]

7 hours ago, JaySovereign said:

Great work! I don't know why it took me so long to find this!

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!